Well, here I am four in the morning. I just need to get everything off my mind so I can sleep. Feel free to sit this one out cause I just need to type.
Work: Somedays I really feel like I'm doing everything I can, I'm doing the best that I can- and I still come up short. No matter what I do I still do something wrong. Nothing that the students notice, I feel it more from my follow co-workers. I know I shouldn't let things bug me like they do, but I really do put everything I have into this job. Working at night is getting harder. I just want to see Brent more, and all the fun activities happen at night. I just want to be a kid, but I know I will never be able to again. It's depressing.
Self-Worth: I've been realizing more and more lately how many times I've let people down. I'm still letting people down. Most days I just want to walk away from everyones expectations of me. Thats why I hate my phone so much, there's way too many people that call and want me to call- I get overwhelmed and I can't do it. I love my family to death- I'm sorry I'm not better about calling. My poor Grandma has't heard from me in such a long time. I just forget, and the days go by so quickly. Weaknesses are as follows: Poor at making decisions, I let others treat me badly, I'm a push over, I avoid conversations that I know someone will be upset with me, I AVOID, AVOID, AVOID. I can't handle anyone elses problems, but my own. I AM SELFISH.
The past couple days I've been thinking about the type of person I am, and how many people I have hurt in my lifetime. It makes me so sick. I've done more bad in this world than good, and I don't know how to change. Pray, read the scriptures, go to church- I know, I know. I need more. I'm not excited to look Heavenly Father in the eyes cause I know this life is not my best. I know that the things I've repented of are forgotten in His mind, but they are still, oh too real in my mind. I feel like a fake- big, fat, fake.
Friends: It almost feels useless to have friends. Mostly, because I'm not a very good friend. I'm a horrible listener.
There's always room to grow, and I've got a lot of it to do. Most of all, I hope I don't disappoint Heavenly Father. "Where much is given, much is expected." So much is given to this girl here.
If you read this please don't tell me that you think I'm wonderful or anything like that. Thank you and I love you.
3 comments:
Man, I can really feel what you are saying in this post Alexa. I want you to be the BEST version of yourself that you can be,so I'm not going to sit her and say that I think you are perfect and cannot improve at all. That's not true for any of us. What I will say is that the POTENTIAL YOU is a MULTI-TALENTED WOMAN, SELFLESS, PATIENT, GENEROUS, LOVING, etc, etc, etc... Line upon line is the best way to make changes. You want my honest opinion, I think you put more pressure on yourself than anyone. Only you can know what it right for you and where you need improve. Take it slow and set a realistic goal for yourself in one small area and go from there. You are loved so much by this family, of that much I am CERTAIN :) My best piece of advice would be not to become prideful and think that just because something doesn't come naturally to you that it isn't important. BELIEVE ME when I say it; it has been a huge lesson in my own life, and I still fight it all the time. Ether 12:27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." I'm grateful to HIM, as someone who will show us our weaknesses so we can turn them into strengths, its truly a miracle!
Well, I do think you are wonderful, so THERE! :) LOVE YOU SISTER!
I feel this exact same way right at this exact same moment that I am reading this! It is satan discouraging us from progressing. I disappoint my kids and husband daily. I am not exactly everything i thought i would be at age 34 but i know that i will keep trying. You are not alone these feelings will pass and you will feel strong again. WE love dalexa:)
hahahaha, OMG, i totally know!!! but seriously though, you KNOW who i was talking about!!! ;) remember in hair school!!! lol. & your headbands are so dang cute!!!! ours are for sure different!! we should go to a show together & sell them! like at the expo or something! im trying to see if i can afford to get a kiosk in the mall setup for during nov & december! wouldn't that be awesome??? if not hopefully next year!! anyways, i need to call you one of these days, i miss you so freakin much!!!! ahhhh, tell brent i said hi! i hope you had a good birthday, i hate that im not close enough to hang out with you anymore!!!
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