Intrusion from the Future Me

I'm a wedding photographer now

I don't know how I found my way back onto writing on this blog, yet here I am 3:02 in the morning.  I guess I find myself on here sometimes reflecting on my life with him- searching for where things went incredibly wrong. My life has changed so much, I've changed so much.  In this process of loosing the man I loved for eight years I have been forced to begin to gain a love for myself.  For any of you that have felt the way that I have felt these past 11 months know that it is an incredibly lonely and painful process.  Yet I am grateful. I am grateful for the AWAKENING of who I was as a person.  I've realized certain things about myself that I didn't realize when I was with him. Things I do, or ways I react. It's never easy to recognize that the confused little girl in the mirror is you or that your heart/ brain is capable of such intense damage.  Even though Brent (oh gosh, yes I said his name) and I have almost been apart for a year now my heart and soul are still so so so broken. I STILL have so much more learning to do, but the possibilities for me are open and endless.

Since I have nothing, I literally can do anything...

If anyone has any suggestions feel free to chime in now!

Get to Work Alexa

Well, here I am four in the morning.  I just need to get everything off my mind so I can sleep.  Feel free to sit this one out cause I just need to type.

Work: Somedays I really feel like I'm doing everything I can, I'm doing the best that I can- and I still come up short.  No matter what I do I still do something wrong.  Nothing that the students notice, I feel it more from my follow co-workers.  I know I shouldn't let things bug me like they do, but I really do put everything I have into this job.  Working at night is getting harder.  I just want to see Brent more, and all the fun activities happen at night.  I just want to be a kid, but I know I will never be able to again.  It's depressing.

Self-Worth: I've been realizing more and more lately how many times I've let people down.  I'm still letting people down.  Most days I just want to walk away from everyones expectations of me.  Thats why I hate my phone so much, there's way too many people that call and want me to call- I get overwhelmed and I can't do it.  I love my family to death- I'm sorry I'm not better about calling. My poor Grandma has't heard from me in such a long time.  I just forget, and the days go by so quickly.  Weaknesses are as follows: Poor at making decisions, I let others treat me badly, I'm a push over, I avoid conversations that I know someone will be upset with me, I AVOID, AVOID, AVOID. I can't handle anyone elses problems, but my own.  I AM SELFISH.

The past couple days I've been thinking about the type of person I am, and how many people I have hurt in my lifetime.  It makes me so sick.  I've done more bad in this world than good, and I don't know how to change.  Pray, read the scriptures, go to church- I know, I know.  I need more.  I'm not excited to look Heavenly Father in the eyes cause I know this life is not my best.  I know that the things I've repented of are forgotten in His mind, but they are still, oh too real in my mind.  I feel like a fake- big, fat, fake.

Friends: It almost feels useless to have friends.  Mostly, because I'm not a very good friend. I'm a horrible listener.

There's always room to grow, and I've got a lot of it to do.  Most of all, I hope I don't disappoint Heavenly Father. "Where much is given, much is expected." So much is given to this girl here.

If you read this please don't tell me that you think I'm wonderful or anything like that. Thank you and I love you.

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Well, yesterday marks our ONE year here in Rexburg! And I planned out ALL Brent's classes till he graduates- and guess how much longer?!??!?!?!? ONE year and three months! Not as long as I thought! I'm really excited!!!! As much as I love it here in the BURG, I want to go home. It's ALREADY getting cold here, the summer has come and gone....

Can't wait to see Reid and Flo this week!

Hello There!

Life lately is moving WAY TOO FAST!!! The weeks literally feel like days. Brent and I are in a good place right now- we never see each other so we miss each other more :) hahaha For some reason we are poorer than dirt right now!!! I feel like we can't get back on our feet since my mother left.  SOON, we will be able to start saving because I'll get my instructors license!!! That means a $4 raise people!!! WHOO WHOOOO ahhh I have to say that money is the worst part of growing up, or life in general.  But, all around Life is Good. I feel good about everything that we're doing.

Anyways if you haven't already please check out my new etsy store! Tell me what you think?

http://www.etsy.com/shop/prettynoggin?ref=si_shop

Do what you love.

Brent has been doing stuff for the rodeo, last week they did a commercial thats what these next few shots are all about. 

We went to go rock climbing, and it was FLOODED! What?

Cortney, Denton, and Starlyn came down to visit for a family reunion and they stayed at our house! Starlyn is so cute!!!
They also brought a long with them a little treat from Mama Linda! 4 CASA LUPE BURRITOS! That woman knows the way to my heart. I love you Mama Linda. The best surprise in the world! Thank you! YOU HAVE NO IDEA! 

Life has been crazy busy lately. I’ve been feeling like every single one of my thoughts is on work.  It’s been a little harder of a job than I thought it would be.  Just dealing with all the students with their needs and complaints- it gets a little much for $8 an hour.  I laugh to myself thinking that 3 years ago I was making $9 an hour at Costa Vida. Rexburg you brake my heart, but mostly my bank account. The pay is low, and the cost seems a little high.  Only three more years RIGHT??? Man, that is a really long time.  Next month Brent and I hit our 3 year anniversary.  Which means, we will be at 6 years when he graduates.... oh good heavens.... poor, poor, poor.  

I guess I’m just mind dumping right now, and really you don’t have to read this :) 

I was talking to Josie and her husband tonight- and he asked me the question, “What would you do if you knew you wouldn’t fail?” One of my biggest fears in life is regret.  REGRET, oh what a heavy word you are.  I never want to look back and regret doing, or not doing anything at this time in my life.  I’ve decided (just now) that I’m going to sing more.  Even if its just in the church choir.  What I want most... I just want to play basketball @ least 3X a week.  Easy? right? Being older is the pits.  Adults were not kidding when they said that we had no worries when we were in high school.  So many things to worry about, and to do. I hate that I’m scared. Life is scary.  If you think about it, we only have this short time here on earth to prove ourselves.  The bar is so high, and I haven’t even been close.  AHHHHHHH!!!! How does everyone keep themselves sane? I need to pray for more time, more time in a day.

I hope you do what you love. 

Alexa 

A little bit of this, and a little bit of that

 oh hey everybody. want anymore watches? Check out the new website http://www.interface-watches.com/

 Also, if you want to see an AWESOME photo shoot that my lovely friend brittany took of me... ????? CLICK HERE!!

Interface Watches

Sometimes when you've got a beautiful red head with blazing green eyes, you need to take pictures....

This is Josie.  She is my partner in crime at work! Her husband sells these lovely watches, and we thought we'd give it a go and take some fun pictures! First, we went to this photographers studio cause he wanted to take pictures of her make-up, and then we went and played outside with the watches!

Find them on Facebook HERE!!!!!!!!

It was a fabulous day!

Have I mentioned that I have the best job in the world.  It's so rewarding.

Love from all the red heads out there!

Flowers

NO these flowers were not for me... a cute boy that Chelsea met a few months ago sent them to her for her birthday!!! I was so shocked I opened the door and there was a HUGE box, I opened it saw the flowers- then I read who it was from! hahahaha So sweet I've told Chelsea that she needs to marry this guy!

After Chelsea got those flowers I got pretty mad at Brent! He has never gotten me flowers before and needless to say I was furiously hurt.  I went to work really sad, and then when I came home the picture above was on the computer!!!!

Thank you Brent.

Hair Things

well. here we are again.