Well, here I am four in the morning. I just need to get everything off my mind so I can sleep. Feel free to sit this one out cause I just need to type.
Work: Somedays I really feel like I'm doing everything I can, I'm doing the best that I can- and I still come up short. No matter what I do I still do something wrong. Nothing that the students notice, I feel it more from my follow co-workers. I know I shouldn't let things bug me like they do, but I really do put everything I have into this job. Working at night is getting harder. I just want to see Brent more, and all the fun activities happen at night. I just want to be a kid, but I know I will never be able to again. It's depressing.
Self-Worth: I've been realizing more and more lately how many times I've let people down. I'm still letting people down. Most days I just want to walk away from everyones expectations of me. Thats why I hate my phone so much, there's way too many people that call and want me to call- I get overwhelmed and I can't do it. I love my family to death- I'm sorry I'm not better about calling. My poor Grandma has't heard from me in such a long time. I just forget, and the days go by so quickly. Weaknesses are as follows: Poor at making decisions, I let others treat me badly, I'm a push over, I avoid conversations that I know someone will be upset with me, I AVOID, AVOID, AVOID. I can't handle anyone elses problems, but my own. I AM SELFISH.
The past couple days I've been thinking about the type of person I am, and how many people I have hurt in my lifetime. It makes me so sick. I've done more bad in this world than good, and I don't know how to change. Pray, read the scriptures, go to church- I know, I know. I need more. I'm not excited to look Heavenly Father in the eyes cause I know this life is not my best. I know that the things I've repented of are forgotten in His mind, but they are still, oh too real in my mind. I feel like a fake- big, fat, fake.
Friends: It almost feels useless to have friends. Mostly, because I'm not a very good friend. I'm a horrible listener.
There's always room to grow, and I've got a lot of it to do. Most of all, I hope I don't disappoint Heavenly Father. "Where much is given, much is expected." So much is given to this girl here.
If you read this please don't tell me that you think I'm wonderful or anything like that. Thank you and I love you.